Meditation: Where Do I Start?

About 4 years ago I decided that I was going to develop a meditation practice with the intention of bringing myself a little more stillness, mindfulness and awareness. At the time I didn't really know that this was what I wanted but I did know that I often had a hard time sitting still, enjoying the quiet, and not being stressed about school and work in my free time. For a couple of months I struggled with what meditation even meant to me. I worried constantly about how I should be positioned, what I should or should not think about, and how I could possibly measure any noticeable change. I generally tried to sit in a cross-legged position slightly elevated on a cushion, simply for comfort and would just sit in the most silent room I could find for anywhere from 5-20 minutes a day.

For the first month I would use my "meditations" to just try and listen to my breath and make my eyes still. It often took over ten minutes before I could settle my mind and my body just to stop twitching and moving. By the second month I was able to keep my eyes still within a few minutes and be focused on just breathing. It was about the third month where I really noticed actual benefits in my day-to-day life. At this point when I would sit down, I was immediately still and would move in and out of listening to my breath or just rest in a state of being aware. I found that throughout the day I didn't fidget so much, I didn't worry so much, and I found true contentment and joy in just being present to what was happening at any given moment.

Angkor Wat

I had not read any books up to this point or much about meditation but I wanted to take some steps towards building a better practice and here is where, for me, I went about it all wrong. I started reading books about how to meditate, when to meditate, different techniques, chakra meditation, mindfulness meditation, you name it. I started to become very focused on techniques or practices I thought were cool rather than the whole reason I had originally brought a meditation practice into my life. As I would try different techniques I would get frustrated because I was so worried about following steps and methods that I would end up sitting for 30 minutes a day thinking to myself and could not even find time to just STOP to just BE.

After a few months I stopped practicing regularly and then it became a chore to where I eventually stopped practicing all together. I had made something so simple into a complex task which I analyzed and obsessed over . Ultimately, I lost any will to pursue what I chose to label as too hard through my research. Last year I decided I needed to get back into a practice. I started reading a couple of books and was quickly frustrated with techniques and methods again so I just closed the books and promised myself that each day I would find 5 minutes to be still in some position, some location, and just sit. The most beautiful thing began to unfold. Within days I was back to where my practice had been when I thought there was "good progression." But you guessed it, I lasted a couple of months before I fell off the band wagon and told myself I didn't have time to be spent each day meditating. Telling myself I did not have time was a recurring theme in my life (that will have to be saved for another day).

Since this summer I have started to rebuild my meditation practice from the ground up. I have been working ever so slowly to keep it organic and move on small step at a time. I have given up on a progression or any sort of expectation and started to simply enjoy the process. I have found that the simplicity of just finding time to sit still every day has lead to developing my own techniques that are natural for me and my practice is so much more than listening to my breath for 5 minutes a day. Now I find myself looking forward to my practice each day, at some point, in some location, and just finding stillness or mindfulness wherever it happens to be. I start my morning with taking care of the basic needs of our puppies, then I move into my meditation and start my day on the right track. This right track, is a practice of just being present, of just being love. Sometimes there is simply nothing going on when I sit, sometimes there are visualized locations or emotions, sometimes there is just a scan of the body to reconnect with how I'm feeling, and sometimes, there is just a state of a pure emotion that emerges. Perhaps another post I will go through my current technique, but for now, it is just a personal journey that I highly encourage everyone to start for themselves.

I am by no means an expert on meditation, but I do now believe there is a reason there are an abundance of books on how to meditate in circulation. It is because meditation is entirely personalized so each person could write their own book on what they do, how they are progressing, and what feels natural to them. There is no ladder to climb, there is no one to compare to, there is no proper way to position yourself, and there is no proper technique to follow. All you need to do is have an intention in your mind and then build a consistent practice. Take 5 minutes each day to sit still and go from there. Find your own practice, you do not need to learn somebody else's.